On 15th of September. I became 1 in 282.
TRIGGER WARNING : This post may trigger emotions and unsettling feelings for those affected by miscarriage.
At 4 weeks I found out I was pregnant. It had been a long 1 year and 10 month wait, but we finally got to see those 2 pink lines. I couldn’t believe it. It was that easy. There was no romatic plan to tell elias or surprise him. I literally yelled from the toilet and he came running. It was almost like we didn’t believe it at first. Those 2 pink lines came up so quick we had to keep checking that they were still there!
Up until that point I had been feeling a bit tired, a bit queazy and all the rest of those early day symptoms. It was exciting.
At the end of week 5 we went to visit our GP. She has been there from the beginning of our journey and through my endometriosis diagnosis and surgery. She was so happy for us. Providing us with a bunch of information and providing us an early ultrasound scan form. Becasue of my history and my slight anxiety over not wanting to get “too excited” just yet, she granted me the early scan.
At 6 weeks and 5 days I woke up like every other morning. Got dressed for work. Ate my breakfast. Rubbed my bloated belly and prepared to head out the door. Before I left home I quickly went to the bathroom (as pregnant ladies know…that extra pressure on the bladder makes for an interesting time). This time though I got a shock. I had started bleeding. My heart stopped. I called my mum and dad and asked what to do. I called my gp while elias was coming home from work to be with me. This was a Thursday morning. Ironically we had already set up my early ultrasound to be that afternoon when we booked the appointment the week before.
My gp was happy for me to head to the ultrasound in the afternoon and then depending on the scan results, to book an appointment with her afterwards. The bleeding stopped within a couple of hours that morning and I had relaxed again. Afterall, I had read up and been told that bleeding a little can be totally normal.
I had my early scan at 4pm that afternoon. I had already warned elias that we may not see a heart beat and just to be prepared.
The scan showed a heart beat. Ticking away. Baby measuring exactly how they should be. We were relieved. I called mum and dad and told them the good news. We all yahood’ on the phone and celebrated with a sigh of relief. Afterall it’s not just the mother who is in this journey. It’s partners and family members too.
By Thursday night, I had some cramping. But not severe. Just kind of gassy. I had had pain most of my pregnancy and had put it down to a mix of growing pains and stretching scarring from my recent endo surgery.
I woke up Friday morning. As the day passed I just didn’t feel myself. I was at work and feeling happy, but I just felt different. Kind of uncomfortable. I didn’t have terrible cramping or anything like that. By 230pm It had all changed again. I had started bleeding again. But this time it was different. I absolutely KNEW it wasn’t good. It wasn’t heavy red bleeding. But it was different. Upset, I went to my friend and boss and explained what was happening, who rushed me straight down to my gp. Im so grateful for supportive, caring and strong women like her in my life. My gp saw me and could see i was distressed. I knew now what was happening. It’s so weird. I didn’t have the typical miscarriage signs or bleeding, but In my heart and being I knew what was happening. My GP organised me an emergancy ultrasound scan at the hospital.
At 3pm the scan showed a little being with a heartbeat once again. Measuring as they should with their beating heart. Again I was reassured everything was fine and going well.
By Friday night, my pelvis was cramping. Lying on the couch on my side was the most comfortable position. This is where I stayed until I went to bed.
This brings us to Saturday the 15th. A date that will most likely never be the same again. I woke up at 7am. By the time I took my first steps out of bed I knew I was in for a long haul. I bled from 7am through till 130pm extremely heavily. I moved from the couch to the toilet and back over those hours. I went through 3 and a half toilet paper rolls. By then I had gone into “survival mode”. No emotions. Just listening to my body and doing what had to be done. Thats the thing with miscarriage. Once it starts like this, you can’t stop it. The body just does naturally what it needs to do. I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t crying. I was calm and in control.
At 130pm I passed our baby. Elias drove me to the hospital. By the time we got there I was passing so much blood and tissue that they put me straight into an emergancy bay room and started to ensure I was in ok shape and doing okay mentally. By now my emotions were starting to change. I was upset but adrenalin was still pumping through my body. My hormones were all changing so quickly due to the miscarriage happening naturally and so quickly that day. I had another ultrasound to confirm the loss and we were released from the hospital.
Now this is where it gets weird. We left the hospital and had to go to the grocery store to grab extra sanitary items. Im talking adult size almost nappies. That is how much blood i was losing. We literally walked out of the shops that afternoon with a giant bag of adult nappies, the biggest bag of ground coffee I’ve ever seen and a couple of blocks of chocolate lol. SURVIVAL PACK! As we walked around I looked at the people. I was literally walking around shopping within a couple of hours of having a miscarriage and nobody knew, but us. How many other women were walking around like me in that same situation? Just having to get moving and surviving. It was an intense and perplexing experience. It showed me that you truely never know what’s happening in the lives of those you pass on the street.
That night was tough. I cried and cried and cried. It was the silence. It was just us at home. Alone. Our little dream was gone just like that. In an instant. Elias supported and hugged me. I made sure through the whole day and ordeal that he was doing okay and he put his own emotions to the side to look after me and make sure I was safe. I’m so grateful for him and his strength that day.
By the next morning I was doing better. I was still sad but was better. This is where how people cope and manage comes into play. We are all different. Every women is different. Every miscartiage different. I cried a lot the Saturday night and grieved. By Sunday I wanted to return to normality. I wanted us to wake up. Have breakfast just like every other day. We had dinner with family that night. It took a week for the bleeding to stop.
I met with my GP on the following friday. She was so upset for me but happy that I was doing okay. She has referred me to another ultrasound in November to ensure there is no remaining tissue and to see how my uterus is recovering.
This experience was nothing short of traumatic, hurtful and disheartening. But again, like horrible experiences can, it put things into a beautiful perspective. We are loved. Friends and family dropped by flowers, cards, goodie bags and more. We were blessed in that we still had eachother, we had our health, we had a roof over our heads and a public hospital that we had access too. It made me incredibly grateful and proud of my body. I didn’t once blame myself or my body. It did exactly as it needed to do.
It also made me grateful for the brave women around me. The women brave enough to have shared BEFORE I even knew I was pregnant, about their miscarriages and infant loss. I am sooo proud and thankful of them. Had they of not shared their journeys and shown so much strength I could have been left feeling alone, isolated, lost and extremely defeated. Those women helped me through. I could turn to them and ask questions. Confide in them. If anything, it has strengthened our friendships.
I hope that by sharing our journey even just 1 woman or couple can feel connected, can ask us questions and know that they are not alone. Almost like paying it forward. I was lucky enough to have had women around me share their journey, so Im paying it forward.
I am so proud of my amazing husband. He was so strong through everything. It will take us a while to completely heal but we are doing really well! I could not have done this alone. Individually we are strong, together we are stronger.
Thank you for reading! Please remember to share awareness on the 15th of October as it is INTERNATIONAL PREGNANCY AND INFANT LOSS REMEMBERANCE DAY.
With Love Always,